Lisa puts my feelings into words (and I'm just 2 weeks shy of her 44 years old!):
A couple of weeks ago my friend remarked on her observation of my joy in teaching. "Don't you just love it?" she asked, answering her own question, "I can tell you do." I answered in the affirmative--because I do love it and need it and crave it and enjoy it--but I had to admit that as much as I love it I also sometimes dread it, particularly on a Tuesday morning about an hour out from the start of class when I find myself wavering between excited anticipation, grateful humility, and full blown panic coupled with a slight touch of nausea.
I remember when I used to teach with the zeal of the confident (and dare I say the ignorant?). I was so sure of myself...How I loved the Lord and the Word! I still do, yes, even more so, but my fervour is now tempered by fear.
It's true: even at the ripe old age of 44 the fight against insecurity wages on....
I'm insecure, yes, indeed, and part of that insecurity is borne of a self-focus that convinces me I can't and shouldn't. Funny thing is, those same fears rightly channelled prompt an even greater fear: the fear of the Lord. How small I am before Him and how silly my pretensions to teach His Word in and of my own skill and winsomeness!
Who am I, indeed? More than an ordinary, introverted mum I am a sinner, not merely inadequate to the task but wholly and completely unworthy on my own merit. To teach the Word of God is a fearsome thing and the more I study the Bible, the more I know of the holiness and righteousness of the Lord, the more I see my own sin and inadequacy, the more I shudder before the responsibility of teaching.
I shudder, it's true, but then I step up to the podium and I open my mouth and I know yet again the Lord's grace and faithfulness.
Read the rest here.
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